Mastering Compassionate Leadership: Enhancing Emotional Capacity and Connection

Ever wondered how the best leaders seem to have an uncanny ability to connect with their team? You're about to learn how they do it. Join us as we navigate the landscape of leadership through the lens of emotional capacity with insights from luminaries like Susan David and the pen behind "Between Us." We delve into the profound significance of emotional agility and vocabulary in shaping the dynamics and culture within a team. With real-world anecdotes and practical tools, such as the wheel of emotions, our conversation promises to arm you with strategies to enhance your leadership style and cultivate deeper team connections.

Prepare to transform your approach to leadership as we discuss the necessity of recognizing emotions as fleeting yet impactful forces that can dictate the atmosphere of any group. Our guest shares her expertise on the long-term influence of emotional literacy, tracing its roots from the tender years of childhood to the demanding role of a leader. By understanding the subtleties of our own emotional landscapes and those of the people we lead, we can foster a more thoughtful and aligned team culture. This episode isn't just a lesson; it's a masterclass in compassionate leadership, inspired by the most forward-thinking minds in the field.

You are invited to join Leadership Vision Online, free to the next 150 members! This new community allows you to connect with like-valued individuals, network, and learn from others while elevating your leadership skills through exclusive resources, live events, Q&As, workshops, and member-led discussions.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

So what the leaders do? Leaders have emotional capacity. One of the things that we've observed with leaders that are really influential in changing people's lives and changing organizations are those that have an emotional capacity, and by emotional capacity we simply mean they either have an emotional awareness or they're aware of the emotions around them, or they have a great degree of emotional vocabulary just many words to express, in many ways, to understand emotions or they have emotional sensitivity they're just sensitive to the people around them in their emotional state. So what the leaders do they have an emotional capacity.

Speaker 2: 0:41

You are listening to the Leadership Vision podcast, our show helping you build positive team culture. Our consulting firm has been doing this for the past 25 years so that people are mentally engaged and emotionally healthy. Hello everyone, my name is Nathan Freeberg, and today on the podcast we're going to be talking about the realm of emotions and how that connects to leadership, and our focus is going to be on understanding why it's crucial for leaders to be in tune with their emotions. Now, if that sounds like a lot of woo-woo, better help type stuff, that's maybe that's what we're talking about, but mostly we're going to be helping you understand a little bit about how to expand some emotional awareness and enhance emotional vocabulary and even explore emotional capacity and cultivating a little bit of compassion. So get ready to explore these insights and a couple of strategies that will, we think, not only transform your own leadership style, but maybe also deepen the connections between those you lead. Enjoy, brian. I see that you have a book on your desk about emotional agility.

Speaker 1: 1:50

Oh well, yes, I do. Nathan Does that have?

Speaker 2: 1:53

anything to do with what we're talking about here today.

Speaker 1: 1:55

We have a couple of things here. One of the books that we use as emotional agility by Susan David, when she's talking about how it is that we are able to experience uncomfortable situations and uncomfortable experiences, detaching ourselves from getting wrapped up in the emotional narrative that we can begin to tell ourselves about ourselves or about others, and how does that, through that emotional emancipation, then truly navigate our way through it. This work by Susan David has been very informative on how we work with teams and how we coach individuals, on understanding the importance of being emotionally aware and developing our emotional capacity. And the second book I have here is Between Us.

Speaker 1: 2:42

This is a book that also talks about what happens with emotions and culture, and what Bacha, the author, is talking about here is she raises this observation that she's done research around, and that research is around how she believes emotions are first an experience that happens between people, before it's a feeling that's felt by our heart or by our emotions. And that idea really captivated my mind in thinking about how, when we're trying to help teams create a positive team culture, how we always have to address the emotions that are happening within the team and people's emotional capacity to deal with these emotions and what really is about expanding our emotional awareness and being aware that emotions are not just an experience or a feeling or a sensation that's happening within us. Emotions are also happening between us, in the places that we exist, and just that level of emotional awareness just in and of itself can be very liberating for people when trying to understand how it is that we can lead in emotional context and in emotional environments.

Speaker 2: 3:56

So I think the answer is both here. But when we're talking about leaders, the best of the best leaders have emotional capacity. They're aware. It's both of their own emotions and of others' emotions. So I've asked you this before when we've been talking about things like this is it a one before the other type of a situation? Is it a I need to become more aware of my own emotions before I can be aware of your emotions, or is there some sort of reciprocal learning that happens when we're just open to being aware of emotions in general? It's both.

Speaker 1: 4:30

I knew it. We have met people that have been raised in homes or in family contexts where emotions are what is talked about, where there is demonstrative and animated ways of communicating and expressing themselves, where emotions are felt and emotional language is used within the home. And these leaders were raised in that environment, so they have a heightened emotional awareness, kind of already baked in. On the other side we have leaders that we've worked with that are still tremendously impactful. They still have emotional capacity, but they've learned it later in life At some point, whether it's in their late teens, early twenties. These leaders have come across a situation or an experience, like Susan David talks about, where they've had to really focus on their emotional development and their emotional awareness to navigate whatever was going forward. So you can see, either way a person approaches this emotional awareness, wherever it comes from, it's still right in front. It's part of how they're thinking and interpreting the world around them.

Speaker 2: 5:46

That's really interesting. I'm just thinking about all the work that our team has done around mindfulness and how does that fit into this process here? Specifically, I'm thinking about mindfulness as essentially being aware, of being aware, I think, in a simplest form. When you're in a meeting or right after a meeting and you're having emotions, whatever those might be, that process of even being aware that you're having emotions sometimes is missed, right? Does that make sense?

Speaker 1: 6:20

Yeah, it does, because some of the mindfulness practices that I have taken part in oftentimes will illustrate emotions and feelings as clouds that are passing in the sky, like just being aware that they're there.

Speaker 1: 6:36

We're not assigning mean to them, we're not getting caught up in a negative narrative or any kind of false story or inflated for that matter. We're just observing that they're there and seeing emotions as data, data points that are indicating to us that there's something important, something to be reminded of, and they're here to help us. Oftentimes, just that kind of awareness that our thoughts and emotions, things that we're feeling in our emotional expression, the pain and pleasure that our body is feeling, or the aspirations and longings that our spirits have these are all tied into us being emotionally aware and understanding that emotions are here to help us. Emotions are here to alert us to things that are important. Emotions are here to help protect us. Emotions are here to bond us from people that love and care for us, to avoid danger. It's actually quite helpful. I think that leaders who understand that everyone is interacting with emotions at all times of the day will have greater influence, because they'll be able to create the space for understanding and for compassionate connection between people because they are emotionally aware.

Speaker 2: 7:46

So, brian, what's interesting here is that I'm thinking about the book Atlas of the Heart. Have you read?

Speaker 1: 7:51

that, oh yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 2: 7:54

And it feels like that's applicable here, because when I read that it went through all of these essentially emotion words and how most often we're limited because it's like I'm so angry, it's like, well, angry means something very specific. Are you angry, are you mad, are you frustrated? Are you actually maybe disappointed? And when we can expand our vocabulary, we can better identify how we're feeling and then know what to do with that. So how do you help leaders begin to enhance their emotional vocabulary?

Speaker 1: 8:30

That's a great question because I have found that I think I found this through learning it myself that there is a direct correlation between one's emotional vocabulary that they have for themselves and their emotional vocabulary and dexterity towards others. For example, if you have a leader who has a very limited emotional vocabulary, they'll also probably demonstrate a very limited emotional capacity to understand the vast demonstrations of feelings that people are going through. The converse is also true. Leaders that I have found, or the leaders that I have worked with, who have a large emotional vocabulary, tend to have a much greater expression of compassion for the feelings of their people. And I'm coaching one CEO and this individual. I heard this individual repeat over and over again just two or three words when expressing their frustration with themselves of three or four, just very simple emotional words, and what I found was that this individual also had that same narrow view of how other people were interacting with her. So that to me was limited vocabulary equals like a limited perception.

Speaker 1: 9:45

I'm also coaching another CEO where the opposite is true. He has a very extensive emotional vocabulary and he has this vast array of people that are around him that go through all kinds of emotional swings and he has this amazing capacity to connect to that. But I think the invitation here is for us to really understand, like, where we at authentically, where are we really at in understanding the expression of core emotions and how those feelings are connected to our core emotions. When I first started working on this I know I've used this example in other podcasts where Melissa Hyatt, a consultant that used to work for us, she was the first person to really begin working with me and my emotional understanding and what we discovered was I had three, maybe four words to describe my emotions as, like mad, sad, happy something like that, and now my mindfulness coach has introduced me to the wheel of emotions, which has it's the six core emotions and the 90 feelings that are expressed out of these core emotions, and that has been something.

Speaker 1: 10:52

this wheel of emotions has been something that's been very useful when helping other leaders expand their emotional vocabulary as well as understanding where some other feelings are coming from.

Speaker 2: 11:05

Yeah, I can't help but think of my youngest daughter, who's five and a half. When she gets upset, everything is I hate you, I hate you, I hate this. And so a couple of weeks ago, I was like, do you know what that means? Do you really hate me right now Because I'm asking you to go to bed when you want to play? Are you maybe frustrated? Are you upset? Like, and what's been so fascinating is she. You know, it's been a few weeks, but she's now learning more words to express to her is this one and only emotion of hate. Yeah, yeah, which is not correct. But to your point, and I think you know, fast forward 40 years when a you know that's true, an older leader is still stuck, like what you said, with a couple of these emotions.

Speaker 2: 11:55

They're not able to articulate what's really going on. You know, maybe they're actually feeling lonely, maybe they're actually feeling, you know, used or not valued, but it's just coming out as that, that that five year old sense of something's wrong, and so I hate. I hate it. What are the benefits?

Speaker 1: 12:52

Oh, that's really interesting because, like that illustration with your daughter, like, let's just say that you know this is someone that we're talking to on a team or whatever that we're doing when someone uses a word like, like, hate, one of the reasons, one of the reasons why we use this wheel of emotions, is to help people understand that that feeling is connected to the core emotion of anger.

Speaker 1: 13:13

And so that's really so. Anger is really the emotion that is being expressed here. Then we can help a person just accept the fact that they have anger and then ask them you know, how is it that we're going to accept that emotion as actually a loving expression of who we are as a person and how much we care? And then when you said lonely, that is a feeling of the core emotion, sadness. And so you look at that and just say you know what's it mean for you when you feel sad, is it because you are lonely? It is because you're isolated, you don't feel connected to the people that mean the most to you.

Speaker 1: 13:50

And just helping people understand that these core emotions are a part of who we are. They're all a part of who we are. And even though we may love the core emotion of love, that doesn't mean that we don't have any anger, like there's a connection between it all. And to help people just understand simply what some of those core emotions are gives them not only a greater vocabulary to better or to more clearly understand what's going on, but also to help other people accept and interpret and understand the feelings that they're going through, because you're creating a connection. Yep, I feel the same way. Yep, I also feel anger at times, and we're really trying to help leaders understand that their emotional capacity, and why it's important to develop emotional capacity, is to create more meaningful human connections with the people that they're working with. And it all starts with that meaningful connection and compassionate connection with yourself.

Speaker 2: 14:52

Yeah, Well now I kind of. Our last point here is about having more capacity for compassion with others. And, to your point, if you are out of touch with your own emotions, there's no way that you're gonna be able to help someone else or build that trust on a team. So what is your advice to leaders or even just individuals listening to this about? I guess that process of being more aware but then translating that into a compassionate response that can build trust, can deepen relationships. That ultimately, I think, leads to better business outcomes, if we're being very kind of blunt about it.

Speaker 1: 15:33

Well, leaders that get this part right. They are aware of their emotional sensitivity, because emotional sensitivity is probably the first thing that's pinged before we're able to become, you know, compassionate towards someone else. That emotional sensitivity being aware that when people feel threatened, when they feel at risk, when things are changing or conflict is emerging, they have a need for a leader to be compassionate with them. And if a leader has increased emotional sensitivity, they will have a greater likelihood of demonstrating compassion towards someone else. And when compassion is demonstrated, it's creating a trusted relationship between the leader and then the person on their team. It's giving people the permission to really explore why they feel vulnerable.

Speaker 1: 16:19

What is the risk that's at hand? Being compassionate is not just, you know, coming alongside of someone when there's things that are unchallenged. It can also be a time when you're coming alongside someone when they're happy, when they're joyful, actually helping them, maybe experience more of the emotion of those moments and those environments. And key to it all with being a leader and a compassionate leader is also understanding that, no matter what the context, what the time is, it's so important to create the kind of safety and protection needed for people to feel that they can express their feelings without judgment. They can truly embrace their core emotions without feeling any sense of judgment or shame or guilt. And so when you have leaders that have this kind of emotional capacity, where they're the individuals, where they have this unique awareness of the emotions within themselves and the emotions around them, they have an increasing emotional vocabulary and emotional sensitivity. You can just imagine the types of teams that they're on trusting, meaningful connections, they want to be around each other and there's a positivity that emerges there.

Speaker 2: 17:32

Yeah, I think we all want to be that person who's emotionally aware not that they don't get upset, but they're aware of why they're getting upset. They can, you know, regulate appropriately. Is there any sort of shortcuts or tricks to becoming better at this? I know I've read some stuff about. You know, at the end of the day journal kind of, write down, you know, if there's any big moments in the day, write down, you know, maybe an emotional response. Try to attach those words to it using the Wheel of Motion, yada, yada. What advice might you have to someone who is wanting to get better at this? And when I say wanting to get better at this, I'm not quite sure what quote unquote. This is Like it's just emotions or a large umbrella category.

Speaker 1: 18:19

Well, some of the common themes that I hear in the practices that I do around understanding and living with your emotions, two themes emerge. The first one is that emotions are data, information that is drawing you and your awareness towards something, and the second piece is that emotions are not judgments. Just those two pieces alone, I think, can be really freeing, for people one data and two non-judgment.

Speaker 1: 18:50

The reason why that's so important for me is because I often do not experience my emotions and feelings as data. I actually experience them as narrative or as judgment or as a score, and so that really goes right to my psyche immediately. So just those two elements are critical. One of the most important things that we have learned in working with executive leaders is that when these executive leaders express themselves or when they're truly influencing, they're often creating an emotional response in the people around them that is unintentional by their original action. When that emotion is triggered, it's sending a person back to a moment in time when they've had a similar emotional experience, and that memory is usually a negative memory. So when leaders understand that just simply by some of their actions or by asking people to do something, they're creating an initial emotional reaction that sets someone back a bit before they can have a thoughtful response into the ask that the executive leader is making, just that level of emotional awareness can really change a leader's perspective, because that will ask the leader to not only lead, direct and influence, like they believe that they should be doing, but to also give people a chance to have an emotional reaction to this leader and then give people a little bit of a runway to get up on board. Now, everyone's emotional reaction will have a different kind of speed with how they rebound or boomerang back. But to understand that we are emotional beings first, we have emotional reactions first, before we have those thoughtful responses, that can be a really beneficial framework for people to understand, when they're leading, that actions happening first, before the buy-in or the activity that we're really looking for is happening, which is second.

Speaker 1: 20:58

Nathan, that piece right there. When I share that with CEOs, they almost have this visceral reaction to just that statement because they know it's true, like I'll say, like when you said that in the meeting that we just observed, did you feel the reaction that your team had? That's an emotional reaction to you setting that bar. Or for you to say this is going to be changing soon and how is it that we not only lead but also give people the chance to have that thoughtful response that brings their emotional sensitivity back into the room? It's just such an important piece for leaders to understand because we don't intentionally try to emotionally upset anybody, it just happens.

Speaker 2: 21:46

Well, and that's where, again, this idea of awareness is so important, and mindfulness, and just being in the right place to almost zoom out of your body for a minute and to observe what's going on without judgment, and then that's where self-compassion comes in too, If you did respond in a way. I mean, how often have you or I responded in a way like our initial thought is ah, and then once?

Speaker 1: 22:16

you know, not this year.

Speaker 2: 22:16

I haven't done that this year yet, and then the last 31 days.

Speaker 1: 22:21

Because we have it too. Leaders have it as well, and oftentimes and this is the reason why it's so important for us to work with teams where the executive, the CEO or the leader is there with the team, because we are able to then watch, observe and note the emotional reactions that the executives are having, that they are kind of unaware that their body language or their facial expression or their word choice or just the raised eyebrow, what that emotional reaction is setting off emotionally in the people that are around them. And we watch that all the time. And I know it's unintentional, but leaders are leaders and they can also lead the emotional temperature in the room just by their nonverbal responses and that's almost that's huge.

Speaker 2: 23:13

Yeah, it's so big. I mean not just the leader, but everybody in the room. I mean I remember I worked with somebody once who the way that they sat in the room would change the entire dynamic. They weren't the leader of this group, but how they would sit would change, like we were like, oh, that person's over there in the corner and you're just like, oh gosh, here we go. You could just tell and it could have nothing to do with that team, but they just they weren't able to, I think, be aware or keep in check or whatever.

Speaker 1: 23:48

So and that level of awareness is really important because when people are struggling like authentically, they're struggling Something's happening in their family and their personal life. We don't masquerade that very well. The people on the team are going to try to make sense of that other person's emotional state.

Speaker 1: 24:10

And usually the narrative that you're making up is the wrong one. But I know you're talking about anything, because how many teams show up and we don't take the time to ask people how they're doing? What's their emotions Like? Really ask them like well, what's going on, what are you going through? Is there any way that we can help? Do you need to even be here today if you're having that kind?

Speaker 2: 24:32

of emotional day.

Speaker 1: 24:33

I'll just give you a time out to go, not be here, it's okay, this is sort of chant 10, gentrally related.

Speaker 2: 24:40

But I'm reading Priya Parker's book right now on the art of gathering.

Speaker 1: 24:45

Oh yeah, have you read that book?

Speaker 2: 24:47

No, but Linda has and it's a fave, it's really good, and the reason I bring that up is because you know in there she talks about like having real intention and purpose to your meetings.

Speaker 2: 24:57

Oh and you know when you think about business and most meetings are bad and terrible and shouldn't people shouldn't be meeting anyway, but if part of the purpose of a meeting is to bring the team together to connect on a deeper level, you should be taking time to go around the table and say how's everybody doing? Let's take 30 seconds to check in to see how we're approaching that meeting. But most meet meetings start with let's sit down and open our binders to page 7 and start reading the report on blah, blah, blah, whatever. And there's no, there's no time for that.

Speaker 1: 25:29

We're working with an executive team right now and since we started working with them, they have actually changed their ELT meetings to have that relational time at the beginning and the CEO just decided we have to have that check-in, like we have to have that Relational. How are you doing? How's your family doing? Don't tell us any about business. Just give me some peace on what you did this weekend or we're looking forward to this week with your children's schedule. I just start with something relational. How do you think we do it, that a leadership vision? Well, if you think about our leadership meetings, besides the opening 15 minutes where you do a stand-up- or 30s.

Speaker 1: 26:12

I Think that we check in. I think that we we ask how people are doing. I think that when Linda leads the meeting, she does a great job on Giving time for each one of us to connect relationally first With our EA. She and I We'll spend 10 to 15 minutes just talking about our weekend, because we meet every Monday morning at the same time, and she and I will spend 10 to 15 minutes just talking about our weekends, what we did, what's going on with our families our parents, you know, and to be go anywhere, what was our spouse doing? So it's just this and I, as Individual, I love that relational side because I just feel that when you work with someone, you had this unique opportunity To continue to deepen your relationship with them and, as a leader, what's more respectful than giving someone the time to talk with you?

Speaker 2: 27:04

about their life, but what?

Speaker 1: 27:05

they do, what kind of motorcycle they ride, what their previous job was, what were they going the weekend? What's their dream vacation? Yeah, you know, I would never have known that Amy R E A that one of her hobbies, you know, is stargazing and looking at the stars and like where to go. That's cool to have. Like the darkest environments you can see the stars brightly.

Speaker 2: 27:28

I never would that's guest, that's cool, guess that. I just asked because it's, I think our team is very relationally, relationally connected, and so sometimes it's hard when we get, when we start those meetings and it's, you know how's your weekend? Talk about Disney, we do start just talking and sharing. It's like, oh yeah, we actually we have business to attend to here too, and so it's, it's a balance, I guess, is what. What I'm bringing up is the leader has to know, like, what level does the team need To balance? Yeah, it's happening.

Speaker 1: 28:00

We also have an hour and a half meeting right, right Specifically for that reason yeah.

Speaker 2: 28:07

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So well, brian, this is. This is fun. I always love these little pocket episodes that we do. It's what leaders do, and Thank you, I'm excited to do the next one me too. All right, but thank you for listening to the leadership vision podcast, our show helping you build positive team culture. If you have questions about anything you heard here today about more emotional Awareness or just becoming a better team member leader, whatever it is Please reach out to us. You can send us an email at connect at leadership vision consulting comm. Please subscribe to the podcast on Apple podcast, spotify, wherever you get your podcast, follow us on all the social channels and, as Brian likes to say, smash that like button and click the little dingy bell on YouTube and Please subscribe to our free email newsletter. We send out an email every week with some Updates about what we're doing our podcast, our blog and other leadership. So I'm Nathan freeberg and I'm Brian Schuber and, on behalf of our entire team, thanks for listening, listening, hey and done.

Speaker 1: 29:11

Cool.